Hide and Seek
by 0-WateryTart-0
Summary: Ellie Brass's thoughts on her father's brush with death. Spoilers for Season 6 finale!


Spoilers: major spoilers for Season 6 finale "Way To Go"  
Rating: T rated for language and allusions to drug use  
Disclaimer: Not my characters, just playing in the CBS sandbox. No copyright infringement intended.  
Author's notes: Thanks to EtS for the quick lookover. :)

**Hide and Seek**

He looked so small.

That was the thought that stuck in Ellie's head as she watched the road go by, as Vegas drifted away to be replaced by the huge desert. For a moment there, she hadn't recognised him at all, in that hospital shirt. It couldn't be him, she'd thought. Her dad was a cop, and he always wore stuffy brown suits, and he spent his life trying to save the world from everything he thought was bad. It wasn't her father in that bed. It was just some old sick guy with one foot in the grave.

Her hands were trembling. Probably the vibrations from the bus, or the coffee she'd drank. It couldn't be because barely an hour ago, she'd nearly watched him die. She could still hear the insane bleeping of all those machines; she could see that tube, that horrible tube attached to his mouth like an alien creature, probably the only thing that kept him alive. It was so surreal. It couldn't really have been her father lying there.

Ellie searched her purse and counted the money she had left. $6.78 and half a pack of cigarettes. She'd barely eaten in two days. 80$ in bus fares, 50$ for the motel room. All that for a fucking useless trip. He was in a coma, he didn't care if she was there or not. Besides, he probably liked his cop friends better than he liked her. After all, they were the only people he hung out with, they were the only people who mattered to him. She tried not to think how much the trip would cut into her budget; it's not like she was making millions.

So maybe it hadn't been such a good plan to enquire about his pension. But at least then she'd know he cared, and it wasn't like he could take that money with him. It wasn't like she could ask about that if he wasn't dying. She certainly couldn't ask him directly, what would be the point? He'd just give her a lecture about being financially independent or whatever. They hadn't ever talked, anyway. He talked at her. She didn't want to talk with him, and even if she did, she wouldn't know how. So what other option did she have than going behind his back?

She never really cared about his money, anyway. He used to hand it out easily when she was a kid. "Go buy yourself something from the machine, Ellie", she remembered him saying that a lot. On Thursdays she had tap dancing classes and he was supposed to pick her up. He was always late. They always went back to the police station and she had to wait there for her mom. She didn't want to buy something from the damn machine, she wanted him to act like she existed, instead of running around after scumbags and leaving her alone with his colleagues and the dealers they'd dragged in.

Once she remembered some really skeezy guy had been brought in. He'd been sitting on a bench, all shackled up, but he wouldn't stop staring at her. When she'd looked up at him, he'd leered at her. She'd ran away. She'd hidden under a desk in an empty office. She hadn't dared call her dad, because she knew he'd be angry that she'd ran away. But he found her. She didn't know how long it had been since she was hiding there, but all of a sudden he turned up and hauled her out of her hiding place. He was strong, and safe. He was also angry, but all he did was grumble that he didn't have time to play hide and seek with her. He never had time.

Ellie snorted. It was pathetic to think that a few years later, everything got even more fucked up. It was hard to believe it was possible, but it had happened. She couldn't think of a time when her parent's weren't fighting, or a time when her dad came home before she was in bed. Sometimes she tried to stay up until he came back, or to stay awake, listening for the door. Sometimes, Mom had guests. Well, hookups, technically. But Mom called them guests, and told her not to come out of her room because they were having grown up time. Ellie didn't like it when her mom brought other guys home. No wonder she'd become this. Like mother, like daughter. At least she didn't deny she was a slut.

When he had woken up in the hospital, she couldn't stand the way he looked at her. His eyes were wide and damp and gentle, not at all that steely glare he wore most of the time. He looked like he was expecting something from her. Like she was his only hope, like she was some kind of apparition from God, some kind of angel come to save him or whatever sappy bullshit it was he'd thought up in his drugged up state. Like she was better than she really was. Like there was still time to fix things. He was pathetic.

Yeah, okay, she had changed a bit, she'd cleaned herself up. Crack and smack hadn't turned out to be really cost-effective, and turning tricks was a drag. It wasn't that she was still good deep down inside or whatever. Her life had sucked, so she'd started to fix. Didn't mean he'd saved her, or that she was some kind of saint. It just meant that she wasn't stupid. It meant she didn't want to end up like Dakota.

That was why she hated the way he looked at her. He didn't see the real her. He saw what he wanted to see, some little girl who took dance classes and who drew unicorns and who smiled when he came in. Something she wouldn't ever be again, and maybe, if she was really honest with herself for a second, something that she missed being. His little girl.

Well, he hadn't cared enough. If he had cared enough for her, he would've stayed in Jersey. He would've done what every divorced dad did, and got a flat, got a twenty-something girlfriend, and seen her every weekend. But he'd just left, with a vague agreement that she'd come and see him in his new place. Not good enough.

She had come to see him in his new place, his house in Vegas. She even had a room, but what use was that, if she only got to see him once a year? What use was a room in a city hours away from hers, when what she needed was someone to look after her when Mom was busy with her boyfriends? Neither of them cared what happened to her, and at some point, she stopped caring too.

So she'd ran away. First by getting high, that got her far enough. Then by sleeping around, sometimes not coming home. Mom freaked when she did that, so Ellie kept doing it. Mom even called Dad to get him to straighten her out. Of course, he'd handled that like a complete jerk. She didn't want a patrol car at the prom to arrest her boyfriend for dealing. He hadn't even had the guts to show up until later. She didn't really remember that conversation, because she was still high on meth and hysterical with anger. She vaguely remembered spitting at him. She vaguely remembered his horrified expression when he saw her. She didn't like that look much better than the adoring gaze, but at least in that moment he saw the real her.

She didn't know why she'd done all those things, after that. She'd skipped town with her boyfriend, gone to New York. She didn't remember much after that, time was filled with crack and smack and get-rich-quick scams. She was good at conning people. There were a lot of towns, and a lot of guys, and a lot of fake names. And always that weird impression, every time she saw a cop, that they'd been sent by Daddy to come and get her. That he would suddenly appear, using his cop superpowers to find her, and that he'd grumble again about not having time to play that game with her.

Her cell phone rang. She didn't recognise the number. Could it be her father, calling from the hospital? Yeah, right. She flipped the phone open all the same.

'Yeah?'

'Ellie? This is Gil Grissom.'

A chill went though her at the cutting sound of Grissom's voice. It sounded bad. So, that was it, was it? He'd finally given up. Had enough of chasing the bad guys, had enough of being that cop that all the other cops hated because he was so obsessive, had enough of being that sad lonely guy who never spoke to anyone but criminals and a few colleagues. He wouldn't be chasing after her anymore to get her back in line. Ellie wiped dampness from her cheeks. She didn't know where that had come from.

'Ellie?'

'Yeah.'

'The doctors say your dad's going to be okay.'

Oh. Ellie felt stupid, suddenly. She didn't cry, usually, not about him. She'd always said he wasn't worth it. She didn't understand what she was feeling, but she didn't like it.

'Huh.'

'He's awake, right now. Would you like to speak to him?'

'No.' She hung up before Grissom could say anything else. Last thing she wanted was for him to know that for a microsecond there she'd cared. It would be gone soon enough. Actually, it was already turning into anger.

For a moment, she regretted that she hadn't accepted to talk to him. She could have told him that he was an asshole for getting himself shot and making her come all the way down from LA to see him barely alive on a hospital bed. And that next time, she wouldn't bother, and she knew that there would be a next time, because there always was one, with cops. Her mother had always told her that one day her father was going to get himself killed if he carried on like that. It was only a question of time.

Ellie didn't want to be there when it happened. Maybe that was also why she always ran away. She didn't want to see his trainwreck, she had enough of a trainwreck life as it was. Maybe she didn't really know what she wanted from him. After all, she always did something that would make him come looking for her. But every time he found her, it was too late. And if he wouldn't give up the hunt, she was going to stop giving him a reason to come looking for her. Yeah, that was why she'd cleaned herself up. So that they could stop playing that game. So that he'd leave her alone, at last.

She closed her eyes and tried to put him out of her mind.


End file.
